Trust

I got nothing. These are the words that occur to me the past few days anytime I sit down to write. Life has been keeping me busy and blog-less.

As I type this, Aviva is upstairs in our bed reading her heart out at the top of her lungs. Greg sits three feet away from me at his laptop, part of his commitment to not letting email eat him alive. Pearl’s fast asleep in her crib. I can hardly believe Juke isn’t at our feet, groaning and whining dreams. Outside, still more snow is falling steadily but gently. A plow rattles down, then up, our dead-end street. I can see the neighbor’s upstairs bedroom light is on; in a few minutes, it’ll go dark, even as we click away way past our bedtimes.

We’re in the midst of some negotiations for a new office space for Spring Hill Solutions, Greg’s business. It’s exciting and nerve-wracking; once again, we’re going largely on made-up numbers, best guesses, and trusting ourselves and each other and, mostly, the Universe. It’s a leap, to be sure, from his current (10 x 10, no-frills, dirt-cheap) office on Church Street. It’s also What’s Next.

When I feel myself starting to panic or freak out, especially about money, first I breathe in and out a few times, remembering that the only real thing is now and here, despite what my mind would have me believe. Then I look around. Literally look around and within myself, take a tour of my life, in time and space. We are so blessed.

Where did I read or hear this, that everything – our choices, decisions, actions – comes from either fear or love? We choose love, time and again. Like anything can be, it’s habit-forming.

That doesn’t mean we don’t crunch numbers, lash out, or blow off meditating despite our best intentions. Last summer, a friend asked me what accomplishments or milestones felt most important to reach or achieve before I die. I remember thinking about it for a moment, not sure what to say. Then I told her, I just want to be able to say that I was awake.

On our bedroom wall hangs a hand-painted tapestry by a Vermont artist named Mary Hill. It was my Hanukkah gift to Greg a few years ago. Its earthy greens and browns surround three deep purplish-blue hearts, painted vertically. Below these is one simple word: t r u s t.

I take this word, these blue hearts, into my consciousness, through my eyes and into my heart, every morning and every night. They are, essentially, my only guides.

Photo credit: Frenchless in France.

14 thoughts on “Trust

  1. writermeeg says:

    Oh, I use that fear or love idea all the time, too! I think I first heard it from Gary Zukav on Oprah years ago :), but I’ve also read it in Buddhist books, I believe. It makes so much sense to me, and it helps me when I clench up with fear (which is still too often!).

    My wall hanging I will write about on my blog soon; you’ve inspired me…

    Lovely post, as always, Jena.

    Hugs, Megan (at http://www.having-enough.com)

    Like

  2. RocketMom says:

    Thank you for these words. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who starts hyperventilating about money, even when I time after time proclaim to myself that it is not what’s important.

    Like

  3. Jennifer/The Word Cellar says:

    Hmmm… Trust. What’s next? Choosing out of love, not fear. Being present in the moment. These themes sound oddly familiar. :)

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  4. Jena Strong says:

    Megan – I look forward to reading about your wall hanging!

    Rocketmom – Money definitely looms large in our lives and is a real thing. But how much power we give it can get so distorted, or eclipse other issues or areas that need our attention. Trying to convince yourself that money isn’t important could have you burning a lot of mental calories. What I’m working on is simply noticing how worrying about it affects me, and the choice I have in that regard. How’s that for a long-winded comment?!?

    Jennifer – I’m telling you, I’m a broken record.

    Chloe – This morning’s spill in my journal (offline) was the shadow side of this post – all the anxiety and tension came pouring out. Now it’s quiet and I’m letting the blanket of snow outside be a mirror…

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  5. Mere Mortal says:

    your words are always eerily exactly what i need.
    the part about choices? yeah, got me right here (taps heart). i must remember that.
    you are awake indeed.
    xoxo

    Like

  6. **camera shy momma** says:

    wonderful post. i too have been feeling ‘blog-less’, the visual of your evening is very similiar to my own, right down to the growth of your husband’s business.

    yes, trust. trust. trust.
    you must be awake my friend, you wake me with your shared words and thoughts.

    Like

  7. bella says:

    trust. being awake. love not fear.
    your words come, as always, just at the right time, showing me the way.
    i missed you while I was gone.
    i’m happy to be here again, taking in your words.

    Like

  8. Jena Strong says:

    Leigh – choices – taps heart – knowledge center. Ah…

    camera shy momma – I so appreciate the kinship.

    Bella – Welcome, welcome, welcome home.

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  9. Meg Casey says:

    Yes…I have been feeling so quiet myself Ms Jena, but your words here resonate so well. You are my mirror–thank you.
    Trust is one of the most beautiful words when it is lived well.
    Thanks for keeping me awake :)

    Like

  10. Jena Strong says:

    Meg – The feeling is mutual.
    Shelli – I suppose I do have everything, which is at once scary to say (the fear piece is: do I really? you mean there’s nothing to go after or long for?) and so very full (the love piece, resting in knowing that I have everything I need).

    Your comment made me think about that – thanks.

    Like

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