Revelations before Shabbat

A revelation came this week: everyone needs a good cry sometimes. Me, under my woolen savasana blanket, Aviva, held safe in her dada’s arms. Pearl, nose swelling from the fall. Greg, once in a blue moon, so tender and true.

A revelation came today: running is a chance for the subconscious mind to rise, for the disparities of daily experience and memory and ideas and blocks to collide gently, with rounded edges. Footfall after footfall, breath after breath, images announce themselves as guides.

A revelation came today: mopping is not my strong suit.

A revelation came, in the form of patience. It came as compassion, as an appreciation for how hemmed in Aviva is all day long, how structured her time, how routine her days. She is a good soldier. And yet, I want more for her than this goodness. She needs time and space and allowance to exercise – her will, her lungs, her shifting emotions. She needs to blast through those rules, all those grown-ups telling her what she can and can’t do all day.

I see more of myself in her everyday.

My child, I do not like being accountable, either. I want to be free, I want to be alone, I want everyone to be happy. When I was your age, I too wrote notes to my parents. “I’m sorry, Mama.” “No farting in my room – and I mean it!” I remembered my dreams in the morning and picked my own clothes and had my very own sense of style.

We are so alike. No wonder she drives me to tears sometimes.

I had a revelation this week: sometimes a fall apart is just the thing that resets me to center, that brings me on home. And sometimes, writing about these days, these years, is like a loosening, dislodging some emotional debris that needs to be discarded, set free down the river.

After all of this – the crying and the running, the shaky anger and the spent sleep and the melting heart and the quiet of coming home – I had a revelation: that it is okay to reach out, to ask for help, to be supported, to receive. It is, in fact, a blessing.

May your weekend be peaceful. Shabbat Shalom.

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Image: “Revelation” by Yaacov Agam

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