Running to stand still

Every time, every time. Every time I am raging, I hear these words, this song, in my head. It is a soundtrack that plays automatically, plays when my face is getting taut, my mouth tight and brow pulled in, heart speeding up, a rage waking up from where she was lying still.

It is comforting at least, to have a song, my very own raging song. Lately, I seem to be having these episodes more frequently. I have to imagine that maybe there is something here, something to learn about letting the wave crest and crash, trusting that that tumultuous surface will settle into its depth once again; it always does rest, and then rested, the rage takes on other forms of energy – creativity, even a fierce brand of appreciation for the smallest moments and acts: waking up next to my children today and not having to bolt out of bed (we’re on camp schedule, which is a little more forgiving than school), or choosing to walk by the lake in the sun even if it wasn’t as much exercise as going to the Y.

Then she wakes up again. A single spark will send her flying into flames, ready to battle and burn down the whole life they have built.

So she sings. I sing. I listen to this song in my head, she is raging, she is raging, she is running to stand still. And I know. It is stillness I am running from, and stillness that waits for me, so patient and forgiving, despite my battle.

4 thoughts on “Running to stand still

  1. Anonymous says:

    And so she woke up
    Woke up from where she was lying still
    Said I gotta do something about where we’re going
    Step on a steam train
    Step out of the driving rain
    Maybe run from the darkness in the night
    Singing ha, ah la la la de day
    Ah la la la de day
    Ah la la de day

    Sweet the sin
    Bitter, the taste in my mouth
    I see seven towers
    But I only see one way out
    You got to cry without weeping
    Talk without speaking
    Scream without raising your voice
    You know I took the poison from the poison stream
    Then I floated out of here
    Singing ha la la la de day
    Ha la la la de day
    Ha la la de day


    She runs through the streets with her eyes painted red
    Under a black belly of cloud in the rain
    In through a doorway
    She brings me white gold and pearls
    Stolen from the sea she is raging, she is raging
    And the storm blows up in her eyes
    She will suffer the needle chill
    She’s running to stand still


  2. Holly says:

    with you, as always.
    our thoughts run together, go down the double slide at the playground simultaneously.
    much much love, jena, and understanding thrown your way.



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