ISO Dark Den

Five minute free write.

Lice again.

Never more a mama than when I’m picking nits. The tiniest buggers you have ever barely seen. Maddening. Moving. Meals and mouthfuls and moss covered minced words growing from rocks in a humid forest.

Moving. Nothing like meandering. Easy to idealize the past. Easy to idealize the future. Is it easy to be present? You would think that would be easiest of all, since it’s all here.

Cold sores, bottom lip, turning orange now. Oozing. Biblical. Job. Plagues. Patience. Could be worse. Facing biggest fears. Mom, will you and Dad ever get divorced? I asked. I was probably about V’s age.

Pearl, the sweetest peanut ever. Aviva, this morning, so tired, blaming me since I had to comb and pick nits until 11:30 last night. She fell asleep sitting up in the bathroom as I hummed quietly. Aviva, this morning, angry, sullen. Then sweet, buoyant. She will be who she will be. She already is.

I took a picture of them this morning sleeping in my bed. His bed.

Bumped into someone I haven’t seen in a long time this morning on the steps of the Y after finally dropping Pearl off. It was around noon. Told her what’s happening. Congratulations, congratulations. She kept saying it, until finally I realized I wasn’t hearing her, wasn’t listening to that word, wasn’t letting it in. Finally I stopped. I did. I heard her. And that’s when I actually showed up, and suddenly was there with her on the steps, actually there.

I told her how my mother thinks “our culture” in “this day and age” in “places like Burlington” makes it “easy” to do “this kind of thing,” i.e. split up a family, come out. A permissiveness. Support for this.

I am becoming more patient with her, but it’s hard. I feel defensive–what would she have me do? Be less supported? As if it’s easy, even now, even here. Then I get that seed of doubt–what if she’s right?

Is it just a habit to think I still have so much to do, so much “work on myself” to do? Finally, can it be enough?

And that’s when I know what I need is a hot bath and an early night and so much sleep, a lumbering mama bear in search of some deep, dark den.

7 thoughts on “ISO Dark Den

  1. dawnskor says:

    You are doing the hardest things gracefully and poetically and beautifully. lice and all. Congratulations is the right word. Congratulations, dearest J,
    Love, D


  2. shortygetsfit says:

    Oh Jena, I am so glad you are being supported. Jeez, the lice alone would throw me in a complete tizzy;). What a scary, crazy, invigorating, challenging, wonderful, positive, honest, open, self-affirming journey you are on. I am so so so happy that you have people there (live in person!!) who are there for you.

    It’s funny (not ha ha funny) what our mothers say. I know my mom says things to me about my challenging situation with my younger son that she thinks is supportive, but actually makes me feel totally invalidated.

    How are Greg & the girls? Do they feel supported as well? I truly believe that the kids will be fine with all the change if you and Greg are true to yourselves. Happy parents=happy children. Well, for the most part. Some kids are just wired differently and feel more deeply than others.

    I love hollybackgirls’ brave and true jena. It is so perfectly true.



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