Without a stunt double

Folding into breaths so deep the exhale might come not from my nose or mouth but from my vagina or my ears or even my eyes

It may sound dramatic but I mean it when I tell you that every single one of these inhales and exhales is saving my life tonight, keeping my butt on this kitchen chair rather than in the driver’s seat under the illusion that I’m in the driver’s seat

You may think it’s a metaphor when I describe stepping from the ledge I’ve been crouched on for months and months somewhere around six-hundred stories up a sheer glass building like something out of Mission Impossible in Dubai except instead of Tom it’s me sliding down without a stunt double though I’d like to meet her

And when I tell you that this resolve is the beginning of the rest of my life, it is not hyperbole or ego or cliche speaking but my soul which is stronger than any fear or addiction or stuck place

To let go of the ways I thought I needed support and say yes to the support that actually shows up on my front lawn and breaks me in just the right ways

To stop negotiating with terrorists

To breathe in slow motion and run in fast forward and answer the child’s every question as best I can, man boobs and chest hair, florescent snow-pants in August

To pull the rip-cord, now dazed now clear, to glean the glimmer of life moving forward without force and yet forcefully

To surrender without resignation and to fight without flailing

Every single breath tonight is a beat, a metronome tick-tick-tick-ticking that cannot keep time for any movement or rhythm other than this one I steady my hands to play

9 thoughts on “Without a stunt double

  1. wwkd says:

    What I love about reading your posts is I often find immediate energy to write something in “response” – I don’t know why – it doesn’t matter really – I just love it when I receive energy from a person’s words. Thought you’d like to know

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  2. shortygetsfit says:

    Breathing deeply, under the illusion that I’m in the driver’s seat. Oh, how that resonates with me. That’s what weakens my spirit–thinking I am supposed to always be in the driver’s seat, to know what to do and clearly not knowing. To be out of ideas. To admit I need help with this. I thought if I did the right thing. But there is no right thing with autism. One can not ‘right’ it away.

    To surrender without resignation and to fight without flailing. Yes, I am trying to get there. To surrender, but not give up.

    I know my reasons for identifying with this piece are not the same as yours. At least I don’t think;). But I thank you for sharing your words, your feelings with me, with us all. You gave me words for how I feel. I did not know how to express it, even to myself.

    Never thought I would be be thinking of Samuel Beckett when I scream inside “I can’t do this anymore”, but I can, will and there really is no choice, but to go on.

    “it will be I, it will be the silence, where I am, I don’t know, I’ll never know, in the silence you don’t know, you must go on, I can’t go on, I’ll go on.”
    ~Samuel Beckett

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      • shortygetsfit says:

        Okay, now I feel ridiculous…’reflagged’? wtf spellcheck. I am beginning to feel like a weirdo leaving a million messages on an answering machine like they show in silly romantic comedies. I at least hope I gave you all a chuckle. I think I will go mainline some coffee into my veins now.

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  3. Elizabeth Grant Thomas says:

    I love this line especially: “To let go of the ways I thought I needed support and say yes to the support that actually shows up on my front lawn and breaks me in just the right ways.” One of the central struggles of my life is letting go of the way I thought things would be, or should be, and this sits at the very heart of that.

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  4. Jennifer says:

    And what I love about your posts is that I often feel simultaneously – “Yes! Me too” and “What is she talking about??” Sending love – and some wings.

    Like

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