Sitting still is an especially good thing to do when you don’t feel like you have ten minutes to spare. So I did, for ten minutes this morning in my sister’s guest room, while the mind monkeys tried to bait me with astounding feats of mental acrobatics.
A big egg is cracking and I feel the shell falling away. It is such a process, this hatching. I have been holding on, for the last year working hard to keep my house, do my part to preserve some continuity for my girls, maintain life-as-we-know-it, duct-tape and crazy glue at the ready.
A few weeks ago, I went for a run with Bobo. I kept having to stop, because I couldn’t quite steady my breath. I felt panicked, overwhelmed. Scared and alone. I called Mani, who offered love in action.
Later that same day, after talking with Maezen, I re-opened the door to an opportunity here in Amherst. Long story short, I decided to be decisive. To knock down self-imposed walls (they are not as solid as they may look, FYI).
Fast forward to last week, and I got the job. I got the job! I got the job! I start October 15.
After twelve-and-a-half years in Burlington, we are moving. I’m putting my house on the market as soon as I can get it ready to show. I put down a deposit on half a duplex yesterday. Lord knows there is a superhuman amount to do over the next month or so. (Anyone want to buy my house?)
Rather than playing the list of details and decisions on repeat, I’d like to take the do-one-thing-at-a-time approach, knowing that one thing always leads to the next. I could say, “In the end, it all gets done.” But really, I know better; if you are breathing, then you are alive, which means there is no end, and there is no done.
You know that list of life’s top stresses one hears about? It’s safe to say I’m covering a number of those at the moment. And I am also feeling supported. Carried by the forward momentum of life on its own terms, when the basis is “yes.” And the other basis is, “thank you.”
Letting things really change. Knowing that friendships withstand distance all the time, and continue to deepen and thrive. Spontaneously bursting into tears. Feeling how huge this will be for the girls, holding and loving them as best as I can. Experiencing the bittersweet of goodbye and the good-scary of hello, the blink-blink of how quickly things change when it’s time.
And remembering, we are all born knowing how to fly.