1. “What’s going on, baby?”
She lifts the lid ever so gently. A container of swirling, roiling, tightly held, compounded words that don’t seem ok to say out loud, feelings tamped down, censored thoughts she can hear through her hands. What begins haltingly becomes a blizzard, and I am snowed in under the snot and tears of a heaving heavy body, exhausted by trying too hard to be accepting when I’m forgetting that this must include accepting myself and all the contents. Love comes like this, a small question with a big answer.
2. “Is it too much?”
This makes me cry harder, because the answer is yes, it is too much, And the answer is no, it isn’t too much. I choose this–the hard, the changes, the adjusting, the emotions that fill the rooms of our house sometimes leaving little room to breathe, the breaths we take that change the course of everything, the blending of old ways and beginnings of new ones, the redefining, the unexpected, the swift changes and the long-awaited, living through the things I feared and opening to things I never imagined. I choose the staying. Allowing time to pass. Receiving. Believing what I can see and hear and smell and touch. Love comes like this, learning to love my own humanness, surrendering to life as it is.
3. “The Price is Right”
Not as I imagine it could be and not always how I wish it were. Not behind Door Number Two or Door Number Three. Not like her life and not like his, not Pinterest-board pretty or all sunny skies. But this. This miraculous-because-it-exists life, this we-are-doing-what-the-living-do life. This pulsing-with-gratitude-even-when-I-am-spent-beyond-reason life. This beautiful-painful-really-happening-right-now-don’t-miss-it life. It doesn’t matter if we choose our lives or they choose us; what matters is the hand on the heart, the head on the chest, the knees to the floor, the brow to the brow, the eyes meeting the eyes, the room for silence and the room for storms. And resilience–I am swimming in a sea with other swimmers, and we are all strong, just not all at the same time. There’s a reason for that. It’s the way love comes. It’s the way loves comes, and keeps me going.
* Play along with Isabel Abbott’s new “three things” project. Read more about it here.