From crushed velvet to Krishna Das tickets… I’m starting to think about Mani’s birthday. It’s both fun and problematic to want to give someone THE WHOLE WORLD. She turns 39 the day after our 2nd anniversary, and I think we’re also going to try for another weekend getaway the last weekend of September.
The truth is, I started this as a Facebook post but it’s really about being grounded. Oh, I love feeling grounded. But this morning, the only image that came to mind was of a plane. A grounded flight. Bummer. A plane that cannot take off. A plane that is stuck on the ground. A plane that will not be transporting you somewhere new, so there you are stuck in the airport for who knows how long. You go to the bookstore and look at the shelves and think about all those people who’ve written and published books. You being me, me being the plane.
Yes, this morning, I got bowled over by ungroundedness. By letting things shift and change. By not knowing exactly how things will go. I want to busy myself with thinking about Mani’s birthday and the truth is I’m down today, a little sad, a little unsure, a little needing something I’m not saying which is to win the $1,000 a week for life scratch ticket, I bought 2 of them today after riding my bike up to school to lock up Pearl’s bike, since she forgot the lock.
I feel ungrounded in my freewrite but at this point I’m just going with it rather than ditching it and coming back to write something better later. There might not be a better. There might not be a later.
What if, what if. That’s like the bird call of ungroundedness. But sometimes the plane not taking off might actually be the best thing ever, because otherwise you know, you never would’ve met that amazing person who changed your life who was also stuck in the airport that day. I love stories like that.
My what ifs so often come down to money, and then it’s easy to think, oh, it’s nice having structure and colleagues and all the grass is greener stuff. But then I remember, no, it wasn’t nicer. What’s nicer, what’s grounding, is hearing Ben Sollee playing in the other room, where she’s back on her feet at least for part of the day, and I’m sitting here typing and trusting and soon will pick Aviva up at the bus after her first day of 8th grade which is the beginning of the last year of middle school.
What’s grounding is being their mama. What’s grounding is not being scared, or being scared but feeling for what’s solid and here, letting her give me reiki, then taking a rest together because we want to and we can. What’s grounding is a good cry and telling the truth and being loved. Still being loved, even then. Especially then.
This was today’s 10-minute freewrite from my current 2-week writing group. From time to time I like sharing these here, because this is where I practice not only writing but showing up — unedited and imperfect and real. (I did add paragraph breaks and a few italics.)